Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Coming to the place of surrender once again...
Been asking myself this question...is this right? Are my emotions towards him right? Knowing that his status is a question mark...been thinking silently and hardly dare to even ask God if it's right...because i felt that i'm asking God a rhetorical question that i already know the answer to...
Yesterday's Super Sat & Today's sermon brought me to be warned of one thing:
To check if i have unknowingly place 'idols' in my heart...it could be him...it could be my mum...i need to daily and consistently check that God is the one who sits on the throne room; the only King of my heart.
I do not deny that i think i have done so at some moments and points or even periods of time.
Time and time again, i felt the tugging in my heart to let go of him...and stop thinking, stop hoping, stop thinking of what could be...indeed it's true. Sometimes we yearn for something that's beyond our reach cos we kept thinking of what could be...
This Psalm 119:30-32 that Pastor Kai preach:
I have chosen the way of faithfulness;
I(AT) set your rules before me.
31I cling to your testimonies, O LORD;
(AU) let me not be put to shame!
32I will run in the way of your commandments
when you(AV) enlarge my heart![e]
Enlarge my heart - means "to set my heart free"
Felt that i have encaptured my own heart to him and set myself up for bondage. But God wants to set my heart free.
I have chosen God's ways...I want to walk in ways of faithfulness to God. I will cling to Him. And i can only 'run' in His ways when my heart is set free. Free to love God with all my heart, all my soul and all my might. How can i be 'free' when my heart enthrones another person instead of God? I'm not 'free' when i know he stands in the way in my total surrender to God. And therefore not 'free' to love God and run for Him.
I felt God has led me again to a place of surrender to Him. This time, to surrender dhim to Him. To have no other god and idol in my life. To have Jesus reign alone in my heart and desires.
Singing...
I will have no other gods before You
You alone will reign as my heart's King
I will have no other gods before You
I will put You first in everything
With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my might
I want to love You, LORD
Somehow seeing him today still make my heart skip...but at the same time, i felt that God is testing me. Thoughts did run through my mind there and then - "ok, remember God wants me to give him up...okay i should not look at him anymore (though i still can't help glancing almost every 5 sec)..ok i should try to rein my heart now...
Just can't help feeling this way. cos for the third time again...(1st time on 25 dec 09, 2nd on 24 jan 10), God proves to me He's so real and in control through this...each time i tell myself,"ok, i'll not look out anymore, i'll just let God take control...and He decides who i see or not see...and i'll just leave it as it is.." Then i'll see dhim. Think i'm gg crazy soon to even analyse this..but well...one thing i learnt: indeed the LORD is sovereign.
Yesterday's Super Sat & Today's sermon brought me to be warned of one thing:
To check if i have unknowingly place 'idols' in my heart...it could be him...it could be my mum...i need to daily and consistently check that God is the one who sits on the throne room; the only King of my heart.
I do not deny that i think i have done so at some moments and points or even periods of time.
Time and time again, i felt the tugging in my heart to let go of him...and stop thinking, stop hoping, stop thinking of what could be...indeed it's true. Sometimes we yearn for something that's beyond our reach cos we kept thinking of what could be...
This Psalm 119:30-32 that Pastor Kai preach:
I have chosen the way of faithfulness;
I(AT) set your rules before me.
31I cling to your testimonies, O LORD;
(AU) let me not be put to shame!
32I will run in the way of your commandments
when you(AV) enlarge my heart![e]
Enlarge my heart - means "to set my heart free"
Felt that i have encaptured my own heart to him and set myself up for bondage. But God wants to set my heart free.
I have chosen God's ways...I want to walk in ways of faithfulness to God. I will cling to Him. And i can only 'run' in His ways when my heart is set free. Free to love God with all my heart, all my soul and all my might. How can i be 'free' when my heart enthrones another person instead of God? I'm not 'free' when i know he stands in the way in my total surrender to God. And therefore not 'free' to love God and run for Him.
I felt God has led me again to a place of surrender to Him. This time, to surrender dhim to Him. To have no other god and idol in my life. To have Jesus reign alone in my heart and desires.
Singing...
I will have no other gods before You
You alone will reign as my heart's King
I will have no other gods before You
I will put You first in everything
With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my might
I want to love You, LORD
Somehow seeing him today still make my heart skip...but at the same time, i felt that God is testing me. Thoughts did run through my mind there and then - "ok, remember God wants me to give him up...okay i should not look at him anymore (though i still can't help glancing almost every 5 sec)..ok i should try to rein my heart now...
Just can't help feeling this way. cos for the third time again...(1st time on 25 dec 09, 2nd on 24 jan 10), God proves to me He's so real and in control through this...each time i tell myself,"ok, i'll not look out anymore, i'll just let God take control...and He decides who i see or not see...and i'll just leave it as it is.." Then i'll see dhim. Think i'm gg crazy soon to even analyse this..but well...one thing i learnt: indeed the LORD is sovereign.
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