A song that lifts my depressed spirit...

Coming to the place of surrender once again...

Been asking myself this question...is this right? Are my emotions towards him right? Knowing that his status is a question mark...been thinking silently and hardly dare to even ask God if it's right...because i felt that i'm asking God a rhetorical question that i already know the answer to...

Yesterday's Super Sat & Today's sermon brought me to be warned of one thing:

To check if i have unknowingly place 'idols' in my heart...it could be him...it could be my mum...i need to daily and consistently check that God is the one who sits on the throne room; the only King of my heart.

I do not deny that i think i have done so at some moments and points or even periods of time.

Time and time again, i felt the tugging in my heart to let go of him...and stop thinking, stop hoping, stop thinking of what could be...indeed it's true. Sometimes we yearn for something that's beyond our reach cos we kept thinking of what could be...

This Psalm 119:30-32 that Pastor Kai preach:
I have chosen the way of faithfulness;
I(AT) set your rules before me.
31I cling to your testimonies, O LORD;
(AU) let me not be put to shame!
32I will run in the way of your commandments
when you(AV) enlarge my heart![e]

Enlarge my heart - means "to set my heart free"
Felt that i have encaptured my own heart to him and set myself up for bondage. But God wants to set my heart free.

I have chosen God's ways...I want to walk in ways of faithfulness to God. I will cling to Him. And i can only 'run' in His ways when my heart is set free. Free to love God with all my heart, all my soul and all my might. How can i be 'free' when my heart enthrones another person instead of God? I'm not 'free' when i know he stands in the way in my total surrender to God. And therefore not 'free' to love God and run for Him.

I felt God has led me again to a place of surrender to Him. This time, to surrender dhim to Him. To have no other god and idol in my life. To have Jesus reign alone in my heart and desires.

Singing...
I will have no other gods before You
You alone will reign as my heart's King
I will have no other gods before You
I will put You first in everything

With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my might
I want to love You, LORD

Somehow seeing him today still make my heart skip...but at the same time, i felt that God is testing me. Thoughts did run through my mind there and then - "ok, remember God wants me to give him up...okay i should not look at him anymore (though i still can't help glancing almost every 5 sec)..ok i should try to rein my heart now...

Just can't help feeling this way. cos for the third time again...(1st time on 25 dec 09, 2nd on 24 jan 10), God proves to me He's so real and in control through this...each time i tell myself,"ok, i'll not look out anymore, i'll just let God take control...and He decides who i see or not see...and i'll just leave it as it is.." Then i'll see dhim. Think i'm gg crazy soon to even analyse this..but well...one thing i learnt: indeed the LORD is sovereign.

I think it was pretty obvious...i'm looking out for someone...i was really looking around but i didn't find the one i was looking for...back to the same lesson last Sunday...had to relearn that again...to refocus on God and let God do the leading...and stop my eyes from the wondering...

Seeing his devotion as i finally braved myself to read his blog earlier made realise i should just not let anything start at all...when i sensed his devotion, it's so beautiful that i dun want to spoil it. I would wish that he would remain as godly and devoted as he seemed to be - just like Hosea. I can't deny that there is a unspoken fear that i will miss out on him if he ever wavers...but if God doesn't lead me to him...why would i miss out on anything at all?

Am i 'falling back on him' because of my insecurity? Realised that i tend to do so...it shouldn't be so at all...Christ is my security.

Makeover my focus...

Sometimes i wonder why do i record these things and feelings in this blog...

Is it because the feelings are so strong i can't contain it within me and i needed an avenue to let it out? ...it's weird that i somehow felt this was not what i wanted the blog to be...but perhaps this is also part of the journey God has planned for me in His perfect love and grace.

Yes, i admit i was looking out for him...maybe too much that i actually missed seeing him...so near yet so far...what an irony!

the more this happens...the more i need to anchor back on God...somehow i felt i'm the one not ready...my focus is not steadfast on God enough...i need to...i need to...before i think God will bring anyone in...

Should remember this...

"Man and woman should all aim to grow in God; One's spirituality cannot truly be "measured" (other than by God), and shouldn't be a factor for compatibility, in and of itself;

How God leads is more important than how man does (or how well woman follows)"

Am i dreaming an impossible dream?

This song somehow resonates the feelings i have within me...

What is in my heart?...

There are still many questions whirling in my mind after a week...

Why?

How did it happen? It wasn't like that before...at least not one year plus before

What had happened?

How is he coping now?

These questions kept coming back at me almost uncontrollably...it struck me that am i seeking trouble for myself when i dun even know this person...

Why do i know this? Why am i let in to know?...is it mere coincidence? or did the LORD delibrately me into knowing?

Why is my heart so drawn and grieved for this person i dun even know?...