a song to remember that i'm His Beloved and His Bride...and He sings over me.

You're My Beloved
C
You're My Bride
G C
To sing over you is My delight
Am D G
Come away with Me My love

G
Under My mercy
C
Come and wait
G C
Till we are standing face to face
Am D
I see no stain on you
G
My child

D C G
You're Beautiful to Me
D C D
So Beautiful to Me

G C
I sing over you My song of peace
G C
Cast all your cares down at My feet
Am D G
Come and find your rest in Me

Am C
I'll breathe My life inside of you
Em D
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
Am C Am C
And hide you in the shadow of My strength
Am C
I'll take you to My quiet waters
Em D
I'll restore your soul
Am C Am D
Come rest in Me and be made whole

G
You're My beloved
C
You're My Bride
G C
To sing over you is my delight
Am D G
Come away with me my love

Still trying...

i'm still trying...trying to numb my desires...stopping myself from glancing all over for dhim...and when i spot him...and knowing that dhe saw me...i quickly glanced away...then when i walked away, trying to control myself...i start to glance all over again...what on earth am i doing?

why am i doing such a foolish thing? knowing it's not possible...why all these foolish feelings?

focus focus focus! focus on Him - the LORD who is the author and finisher of my faith.

I can't help but feel that the LORD is testing me...how much determination i have to shrug dhim off my mind and surrender my heart time after time, week after week in obedience to Him...it's been 3 weeks that i somehow just sees him...the congreg. isn't big, but it isn't that small that i would see the same person for 3 consecutive weeks...yet i did...before the rev. sharing, along the void deck, at the sanct. door today...somehow his outfit from the back just caught my attention and made me glance a second time and realised it was him even when i fail to see his face...and upon seeing him, a sense of heartache just welled up within me for him...why? i dun know why...

Am i looking out for dhim? No...i've told my heart each Sunday to not hope...to not yearn to see dhim...but my heart is yet to be tested...and each time he appears all of a sudden before me...my heart is just shaken and caught up with him...i know God is gracious to let me retake my 'testings'...

In Surrender and Obedience...

Stumbled upon this song as i struggled with tough work relations...and brought me to realise that God is LORD. That He is the loving God - as much as He loves me, He loves the colleague that i struggled working with...And realised that God desired for me to show that same love even if i struggled to...it's not within my power. But with the power of His love. I need to realised the finity of my own and surrender to obey Him - to forgive...love despite the wrongful acts of others.

At the same time, it made me realised and reminded that i'm not my own master...i need to let God be my Master.

The Hymnal version that soothes me...

Lord, i'm trying...You know i'm trying to surrender and to forget...

A song that lifts my depressed spirit...

Coming to the place of surrender once again...

Been asking myself this question...is this right? Are my emotions towards him right? Knowing that his status is a question mark...been thinking silently and hardly dare to even ask God if it's right...because i felt that i'm asking God a rhetorical question that i already know the answer to...

Yesterday's Super Sat & Today's sermon brought me to be warned of one thing:

To check if i have unknowingly place 'idols' in my heart...it could be him...it could be my mum...i need to daily and consistently check that God is the one who sits on the throne room; the only King of my heart.

I do not deny that i think i have done so at some moments and points or even periods of time.

Time and time again, i felt the tugging in my heart to let go of him...and stop thinking, stop hoping, stop thinking of what could be...indeed it's true. Sometimes we yearn for something that's beyond our reach cos we kept thinking of what could be...

This Psalm 119:30-32 that Pastor Kai preach:
I have chosen the way of faithfulness;
I(AT) set your rules before me.
31I cling to your testimonies, O LORD;
(AU) let me not be put to shame!
32I will run in the way of your commandments
when you(AV) enlarge my heart![e]

Enlarge my heart - means "to set my heart free"
Felt that i have encaptured my own heart to him and set myself up for bondage. But God wants to set my heart free.

I have chosen God's ways...I want to walk in ways of faithfulness to God. I will cling to Him. And i can only 'run' in His ways when my heart is set free. Free to love God with all my heart, all my soul and all my might. How can i be 'free' when my heart enthrones another person instead of God? I'm not 'free' when i know he stands in the way in my total surrender to God. And therefore not 'free' to love God and run for Him.

I felt God has led me again to a place of surrender to Him. This time, to surrender dhim to Him. To have no other god and idol in my life. To have Jesus reign alone in my heart and desires.

Singing...
I will have no other gods before You
You alone will reign as my heart's King
I will have no other gods before You
I will put You first in everything

With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my might
I want to love You, LORD

Somehow seeing him today still make my heart skip...but at the same time, i felt that God is testing me. Thoughts did run through my mind there and then - "ok, remember God wants me to give him up...okay i should not look at him anymore (though i still can't help glancing almost every 5 sec)..ok i should try to rein my heart now...

Just can't help feeling this way. cos for the third time again...(1st time on 25 dec 09, 2nd on 24 jan 10), God proves to me He's so real and in control through this...each time i tell myself,"ok, i'll not look out anymore, i'll just let God take control...and He decides who i see or not see...and i'll just leave it as it is.." Then i'll see dhim. Think i'm gg crazy soon to even analyse this..but well...one thing i learnt: indeed the LORD is sovereign.