Yes, it's done!

I thanked God and I'm still thankful to God...for His goodness...for He sees this day coming...and He has prepared me to lay down all that's in my heart for him at the foot of the Cross before even this day arrives.

Indeed as this song goes, which i'm drawn to...it beats my heart's desire for God to search me, know me and try me and see...if i have truly laid it all down...at the moment when i saw him hold her hand...my heart was surprised but not all saddened surprisingly to myself too...i just hope it's his wife and not a moment of folly...but all that will be his walk with God. period for me. :)

Bro. Andy's sermon today also got me to see how the purpose for etc has swerved from the initial right direction towards the wrong one (which i confess - to catch his attn and notice of me). And this day, I have realised this wrong turn and purposefully begins to steer it back to the right and sole purpose: loving God.

It takes time and testings...a faith that is not tested cannot be 'proven' to be true and steadfast...

Since the decision was made in my heart last Sunday, somehow i knew there'll be testings and i think that indeed there were. Incidental mentions of dhim that reminds me of dhim. Testing if my obedience and desire to do what's right before God is truly committed and stands the test. Testing is good, it shows me my own heart too and let me lean more unto God for His strength. That i may lay down every burden at the foot of the Cross.

Compromise NO MORE!

Thank you LORD! for being so patient...and i think the message finally came thru during last Sunday's sermon...i have decided to let go of my feelings for dhim...no more compromise...no more looking and feeling bec. i know it's not right somehow...so many reminders every time i read or hear of things like marriage and divorce. I only pray that dhe will stand faithful and true before God and marriage.

LORD, help me stand firm!

a song to remember that i'm His Beloved and His Bride...and He sings over me.

You're My Beloved
C
You're My Bride
G C
To sing over you is My delight
Am D G
Come away with Me My love

G
Under My mercy
C
Come and wait
G C
Till we are standing face to face
Am D
I see no stain on you
G
My child

D C G
You're Beautiful to Me
D C D
So Beautiful to Me

G C
I sing over you My song of peace
G C
Cast all your cares down at My feet
Am D G
Come and find your rest in Me

Am C
I'll breathe My life inside of you
Em D
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
Am C Am C
And hide you in the shadow of My strength
Am C
I'll take you to My quiet waters
Em D
I'll restore your soul
Am C Am D
Come rest in Me and be made whole

G
You're My beloved
C
You're My Bride
G C
To sing over you is my delight
Am D G
Come away with me my love

Still trying...

i'm still trying...trying to numb my desires...stopping myself from glancing all over for dhim...and when i spot him...and knowing that dhe saw me...i quickly glanced away...then when i walked away, trying to control myself...i start to glance all over again...what on earth am i doing?

why am i doing such a foolish thing? knowing it's not possible...why all these foolish feelings?

focus focus focus! focus on Him - the LORD who is the author and finisher of my faith.

I can't help but feel that the LORD is testing me...how much determination i have to shrug dhim off my mind and surrender my heart time after time, week after week in obedience to Him...it's been 3 weeks that i somehow just sees him...the congreg. isn't big, but it isn't that small that i would see the same person for 3 consecutive weeks...yet i did...before the rev. sharing, along the void deck, at the sanct. door today...somehow his outfit from the back just caught my attention and made me glance a second time and realised it was him even when i fail to see his face...and upon seeing him, a sense of heartache just welled up within me for him...why? i dun know why...

Am i looking out for dhim? No...i've told my heart each Sunday to not hope...to not yearn to see dhim...but my heart is yet to be tested...and each time he appears all of a sudden before me...my heart is just shaken and caught up with him...i know God is gracious to let me retake my 'testings'...