Liberty of Obedience

Just as i have finished reading the "Liberty of Obedience" by Elizabeth Elliot, i have such an ironical situation...i feel so imprisioned and trapped by my mum's reactions...so rarely yet so strongly, i felt my hands are 'tied'...i so seldom felt so...i always think there's a way out no matter what...but now, the only thing i feel, is that my hands are tied. Tied.

Should i feel peace? i felt can't help crying and feeling sad for myself...that my hands are tied and i have no choice at all...not to even mention having freedom...i don't free at all...why, Lord? why do i feel like this? Shouldn't i feel good to obey? Why didn't i feel 'freed' when i obey? Is it because my heart was not right? It's not just superficial obedience, i have to obey cheerfully too? perhaps so.
The LORD doesn't want me to just obey the 'rules', but He is more pleased to see my heart submit out of love for Him even when all my will doesn't want to do it...

Following Joseph's example

Asking...seeking...knocking...when nothing seemed to stir...maybe He did speak...and i was too deaf to hear...too stubborn in my own desires to listen...but i'm grateful when i read Psalm 105 last two nights.

16 When he summoned a famine on the land
and broke all supply[a] of bread,
17 he had sent a man ahead of them,
Joseph, who was sold as a slave.
18 His feet were hurt with fetters;
his neck was put in a collar of iron;
19 until what he had said came to pass,
the word of the LORD tested him.

i felt it was the LORD speaking to me through this excerpt on Joseph's destiny in God's plan. God did not plan for Joseph to go to Egypt smoothly to fulfill his plan to deliver Israel from famine...God could have just bring Joseph in by a way that's more rational and usual...no, but Joseph was sold as a slave there. He entered in by the most humilated and humble manner. Worse, he was thrown into the jail...verses 18 spoke to me...that how "[Jospeh's] feet were hurt with fetters; his neck was put in a collar of iron until what [God] had said came to pass"...it made me think that for me to remain and stay where i am in school indeed seemed like a 'prison' to me...one that i want to break free away from very badly...but perhaps like Joseph, i'm to stay there for a reason...or for a season cos the timing's not ripe yet. But the comforting thing is that His word 'came to pass'...God's destiny for Joseph came to pass because Jospeh was faithful to obey and wait for God's timing and plan to uncover itself...

The words, "the word of the LORD tested him" made me pause to think...God tested Joseph's faith and obedience...if he would remembered what God said to him in his youth and if God would bring it to pass even in dire circumstances 'now & then' that he was in. I'm thinking to myself if THIS is my testing...right now, to stay in school even though i'm searching and waiting for God show me the way out is my testing...just as Joseph waits for God to bring him out of prison despite being still in it...

I don't know if i can...but i want to pass the testing...i believe that God has a destiny for me that i don't know yet and how it'll come to pass yet. But if i walk out of this 'prison', i may miss out on fulfilling God's plan & purposes for me.

Yes, it's done!

I thanked God and I'm still thankful to God...for His goodness...for He sees this day coming...and He has prepared me to lay down all that's in my heart for him at the foot of the Cross before even this day arrives.

Indeed as this song goes, which i'm drawn to...it beats my heart's desire for God to search me, know me and try me and see...if i have truly laid it all down...at the moment when i saw him hold her hand...my heart was surprised but not all saddened surprisingly to myself too...i just hope it's his wife and not a moment of folly...but all that will be his walk with God. period for me. :)

Bro. Andy's sermon today also got me to see how the purpose for etc has swerved from the initial right direction towards the wrong one (which i confess - to catch his attn and notice of me). And this day, I have realised this wrong turn and purposefully begins to steer it back to the right and sole purpose: loving God.

It takes time and testings...a faith that is not tested cannot be 'proven' to be true and steadfast...

Since the decision was made in my heart last Sunday, somehow i knew there'll be testings and i think that indeed there were. Incidental mentions of dhim that reminds me of dhim. Testing if my obedience and desire to do what's right before God is truly committed and stands the test. Testing is good, it shows me my own heart too and let me lean more unto God for His strength. That i may lay down every burden at the foot of the Cross.

Compromise NO MORE!

Thank you LORD! for being so patient...and i think the message finally came thru during last Sunday's sermon...i have decided to let go of my feelings for dhim...no more compromise...no more looking and feeling bec. i know it's not right somehow...so many reminders every time i read or hear of things like marriage and divorce. I only pray that dhe will stand faithful and true before God and marriage.

LORD, help me stand firm!

a song to remember that i'm His Beloved and His Bride...and He sings over me.

You're My Beloved
C
You're My Bride
G C
To sing over you is My delight
Am D G
Come away with Me My love

G
Under My mercy
C
Come and wait
G C
Till we are standing face to face
Am D
I see no stain on you
G
My child

D C G
You're Beautiful to Me
D C D
So Beautiful to Me

G C
I sing over you My song of peace
G C
Cast all your cares down at My feet
Am D G
Come and find your rest in Me

Am C
I'll breathe My life inside of you
Em D
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
Am C Am C
And hide you in the shadow of My strength
Am C
I'll take you to My quiet waters
Em D
I'll restore your soul
Am C Am D
Come rest in Me and be made whole

G
You're My beloved
C
You're My Bride
G C
To sing over you is my delight
Am D G
Come away with me my love