An email i wrote to Fanny today:
"Actually find it hard to begin writing this email...it's like describing a futile turmoil within me...to go or not to go...
since my last conversation with you...i told you that my mum actually supported me in going for theological studies...though she prob. didn't know what i had in mind after that...something which i'm not sure either...but since then, i spoke to a few pple who really put many sobering questions in my mind...which i think are timely and necessary...
1) spoke to Jean from Pearl's cell (not sure if you remembered her)...she 's studying at East Asia School of Theology...previously a teacher too...with a missions calling. She gave me a verse
..Luke 9:62Jesus said to him, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God."
It suddenly 'woke' me up that this is not something that i can turn back and quit from...maybe i have idealised the idea of missions...maybe i have the mindset that there is always a backout lane...but i felt that God is asking to count my costs...
2)Then also spoke to my IDT DG leader and members about it...new perspectives again...not that i have never considered my family...but guessed i have only been concerned over the financial part...and forgetting the very basics like...my mum missing me and worrying about me if i'm overseas...and how will my family function w/o me around...and relationships that i need to 'reconcile' in my family so that they will not fall out when i'm not around....
3) Then my own doubts...can i survive missions? Going for the theological training is not a problem...it is what is after that...what am i do? Can i survive practially?
All these questions alone made me very feel very apprehensive about missions...to a point that i questioned myself if i'm imagining my 'calling'...should i just stay put and be a teacher....but yet, to deny the sense of calling i felt 8 years ago which brought me to nie & teaching doesn't make sense...it's like i've been working towards this calling for the past 8 years...to do well in nie so that i can earn and save up a substantial amt for my parents when i go missions...even in coming to cefc...because it had a focused vision on discipleship & missions which resonates with my desire...
Remembering what Jean told me before i left during our meet-up..."I am loved by the LORD. Even if i don't come into missions, i'm still loved by the LORD." I know that but then i come to a place whereby i asked myself: Where do i go from here then? If i don't follow where i felt God has led me thus far, where do i go? What do i do?
Happened that last Sat's Day of Prayer was praying for missions and Pastor Tony called for all the parents to release their children to go into the mission field if they are called to it one day...so wished my parents were there...Sister Claire, a Covenanter whom i went for the previous Batam mission trips with was sitting near me and asked for my prayer request...was comfortable to share with her...and she prayed that God will show me clearly the next step to take...was grateful that she said she'll keep me in prayer for that...on the same day, went to visit a close friend from my ex-church...and after sharing with her...she asked me if i would take the next step if God is to show me all that's to take place...i probably won't be able to take it...maybe it's not the timing for me to know yet...maybe faith requires taking the step before you...and trusting Him for the next few steps ahead...prayed again last Sunday after the gathering @ your place for God to speak to me through His Word and guess what, devotional passage was on Mark 1...when it comes to Mark 1:17 "Follow me and I will make you fishers of men..." It's like "oh man...."...is this for me? or is it coincidental and i'm reading too much into it?
Though i felt that it's most probable that i'll apply for theological studies next june but right now...i'm still questioning myself...maybe it's a process that i need to go through...i don't know...just wished to hear your take on this..."
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