Liberty of Obedience

Just as i have finished reading the "Liberty of Obedience" by Elizabeth Elliot, i have such an ironical situation...i feel so imprisioned and trapped by my mum's reactions...so rarely yet so strongly, i felt my hands are 'tied'...i so seldom felt so...i always think there's a way out no matter what...but now, the only thing i feel, is that my hands are tied. Tied.

Should i feel peace? i felt can't help crying and feeling sad for myself...that my hands are tied and i have no choice at all...not to even mention having freedom...i don't free at all...why, Lord? why do i feel like this? Shouldn't i feel good to obey? Why didn't i feel 'freed' when i obey? Is it because my heart was not right? It's not just superficial obedience, i have to obey cheerfully too? perhaps so.
The LORD doesn't want me to just obey the 'rules', but He is more pleased to see my heart submit out of love for Him even when all my will doesn't want to do it...

Following Joseph's example

Asking...seeking...knocking...when nothing seemed to stir...maybe He did speak...and i was too deaf to hear...too stubborn in my own desires to listen...but i'm grateful when i read Psalm 105 last two nights.

16 When he summoned a famine on the land
and broke all supply[a] of bread,
17 he had sent a man ahead of them,
Joseph, who was sold as a slave.
18 His feet were hurt with fetters;
his neck was put in a collar of iron;
19 until what he had said came to pass,
the word of the LORD tested him.

i felt it was the LORD speaking to me through this excerpt on Joseph's destiny in God's plan. God did not plan for Joseph to go to Egypt smoothly to fulfill his plan to deliver Israel from famine...God could have just bring Joseph in by a way that's more rational and usual...no, but Joseph was sold as a slave there. He entered in by the most humilated and humble manner. Worse, he was thrown into the jail...verses 18 spoke to me...that how "[Jospeh's] feet were hurt with fetters; his neck was put in a collar of iron until what [God] had said came to pass"...it made me think that for me to remain and stay where i am in school indeed seemed like a 'prison' to me...one that i want to break free away from very badly...but perhaps like Joseph, i'm to stay there for a reason...or for a season cos the timing's not ripe yet. But the comforting thing is that His word 'came to pass'...God's destiny for Joseph came to pass because Jospeh was faithful to obey and wait for God's timing and plan to uncover itself...

The words, "the word of the LORD tested him" made me pause to think...God tested Joseph's faith and obedience...if he would remembered what God said to him in his youth and if God would bring it to pass even in dire circumstances 'now & then' that he was in. I'm thinking to myself if THIS is my testing...right now, to stay in school even though i'm searching and waiting for God show me the way out is my testing...just as Joseph waits for God to bring him out of prison despite being still in it...

I don't know if i can...but i want to pass the testing...i believe that God has a destiny for me that i don't know yet and how it'll come to pass yet. But if i walk out of this 'prison', i may miss out on fulfilling God's plan & purposes for me.

Yes, it's done!

I thanked God and I'm still thankful to God...for His goodness...for He sees this day coming...and He has prepared me to lay down all that's in my heart for him at the foot of the Cross before even this day arrives.

Indeed as this song goes, which i'm drawn to...it beats my heart's desire for God to search me, know me and try me and see...if i have truly laid it all down...at the moment when i saw him hold her hand...my heart was surprised but not all saddened surprisingly to myself too...i just hope it's his wife and not a moment of folly...but all that will be his walk with God. period for me. :)

Bro. Andy's sermon today also got me to see how the purpose for etc has swerved from the initial right direction towards the wrong one (which i confess - to catch his attn and notice of me). And this day, I have realised this wrong turn and purposefully begins to steer it back to the right and sole purpose: loving God.

It takes time and testings...a faith that is not tested cannot be 'proven' to be true and steadfast...

Since the decision was made in my heart last Sunday, somehow i knew there'll be testings and i think that indeed there were. Incidental mentions of dhim that reminds me of dhim. Testing if my obedience and desire to do what's right before God is truly committed and stands the test. Testing is good, it shows me my own heart too and let me lean more unto God for His strength. That i may lay down every burden at the foot of the Cross.

Compromise NO MORE!

Thank you LORD! for being so patient...and i think the message finally came thru during last Sunday's sermon...i have decided to let go of my feelings for dhim...no more compromise...no more looking and feeling bec. i know it's not right somehow...so many reminders every time i read or hear of things like marriage and divorce. I only pray that dhe will stand faithful and true before God and marriage.

LORD, help me stand firm!

a song to remember that i'm His Beloved and His Bride...and He sings over me.

You're My Beloved
C
You're My Bride
G C
To sing over you is My delight
Am D G
Come away with Me My love

G
Under My mercy
C
Come and wait
G C
Till we are standing face to face
Am D
I see no stain on you
G
My child

D C G
You're Beautiful to Me
D C D
So Beautiful to Me

G C
I sing over you My song of peace
G C
Cast all your cares down at My feet
Am D G
Come and find your rest in Me

Am C
I'll breathe My life inside of you
Em D
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
Am C Am C
And hide you in the shadow of My strength
Am C
I'll take you to My quiet waters
Em D
I'll restore your soul
Am C Am D
Come rest in Me and be made whole

G
You're My beloved
C
You're My Bride
G C
To sing over you is my delight
Am D G
Come away with me my love

Still trying...

i'm still trying...trying to numb my desires...stopping myself from glancing all over for dhim...and when i spot him...and knowing that dhe saw me...i quickly glanced away...then when i walked away, trying to control myself...i start to glance all over again...what on earth am i doing?

why am i doing such a foolish thing? knowing it's not possible...why all these foolish feelings?

focus focus focus! focus on Him - the LORD who is the author and finisher of my faith.

I can't help but feel that the LORD is testing me...how much determination i have to shrug dhim off my mind and surrender my heart time after time, week after week in obedience to Him...it's been 3 weeks that i somehow just sees him...the congreg. isn't big, but it isn't that small that i would see the same person for 3 consecutive weeks...yet i did...before the rev. sharing, along the void deck, at the sanct. door today...somehow his outfit from the back just caught my attention and made me glance a second time and realised it was him even when i fail to see his face...and upon seeing him, a sense of heartache just welled up within me for him...why? i dun know why...

Am i looking out for dhim? No...i've told my heart each Sunday to not hope...to not yearn to see dhim...but my heart is yet to be tested...and each time he appears all of a sudden before me...my heart is just shaken and caught up with him...i know God is gracious to let me retake my 'testings'...

In Surrender and Obedience...

Stumbled upon this song as i struggled with tough work relations...and brought me to realise that God is LORD. That He is the loving God - as much as He loves me, He loves the colleague that i struggled working with...And realised that God desired for me to show that same love even if i struggled to...it's not within my power. But with the power of His love. I need to realised the finity of my own and surrender to obey Him - to forgive...love despite the wrongful acts of others.

At the same time, it made me realised and reminded that i'm not my own master...i need to let God be my Master.

The Hymnal version that soothes me...

Lord, i'm trying...You know i'm trying to surrender and to forget...

A song that lifts my depressed spirit...

Coming to the place of surrender once again...

Been asking myself this question...is this right? Are my emotions towards him right? Knowing that his status is a question mark...been thinking silently and hardly dare to even ask God if it's right...because i felt that i'm asking God a rhetorical question that i already know the answer to...

Yesterday's Super Sat & Today's sermon brought me to be warned of one thing:

To check if i have unknowingly place 'idols' in my heart...it could be him...it could be my mum...i need to daily and consistently check that God is the one who sits on the throne room; the only King of my heart.

I do not deny that i think i have done so at some moments and points or even periods of time.

Time and time again, i felt the tugging in my heart to let go of him...and stop thinking, stop hoping, stop thinking of what could be...indeed it's true. Sometimes we yearn for something that's beyond our reach cos we kept thinking of what could be...

This Psalm 119:30-32 that Pastor Kai preach:
I have chosen the way of faithfulness;
I(AT) set your rules before me.
31I cling to your testimonies, O LORD;
(AU) let me not be put to shame!
32I will run in the way of your commandments
when you(AV) enlarge my heart![e]

Enlarge my heart - means "to set my heart free"
Felt that i have encaptured my own heart to him and set myself up for bondage. But God wants to set my heart free.

I have chosen God's ways...I want to walk in ways of faithfulness to God. I will cling to Him. And i can only 'run' in His ways when my heart is set free. Free to love God with all my heart, all my soul and all my might. How can i be 'free' when my heart enthrones another person instead of God? I'm not 'free' when i know he stands in the way in my total surrender to God. And therefore not 'free' to love God and run for Him.

I felt God has led me again to a place of surrender to Him. This time, to surrender dhim to Him. To have no other god and idol in my life. To have Jesus reign alone in my heart and desires.

Singing...
I will have no other gods before You
You alone will reign as my heart's King
I will have no other gods before You
I will put You first in everything

With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my might
I want to love You, LORD

Somehow seeing him today still make my heart skip...but at the same time, i felt that God is testing me. Thoughts did run through my mind there and then - "ok, remember God wants me to give him up...okay i should not look at him anymore (though i still can't help glancing almost every 5 sec)..ok i should try to rein my heart now...

Just can't help feeling this way. cos for the third time again...(1st time on 25 dec 09, 2nd on 24 jan 10), God proves to me He's so real and in control through this...each time i tell myself,"ok, i'll not look out anymore, i'll just let God take control...and He decides who i see or not see...and i'll just leave it as it is.." Then i'll see dhim. Think i'm gg crazy soon to even analyse this..but well...one thing i learnt: indeed the LORD is sovereign.

I think it was pretty obvious...i'm looking out for someone...i was really looking around but i didn't find the one i was looking for...back to the same lesson last Sunday...had to relearn that again...to refocus on God and let God do the leading...and stop my eyes from the wondering...

Seeing his devotion as i finally braved myself to read his blog earlier made realise i should just not let anything start at all...when i sensed his devotion, it's so beautiful that i dun want to spoil it. I would wish that he would remain as godly and devoted as he seemed to be - just like Hosea. I can't deny that there is a unspoken fear that i will miss out on him if he ever wavers...but if God doesn't lead me to him...why would i miss out on anything at all?

Am i 'falling back on him' because of my insecurity? Realised that i tend to do so...it shouldn't be so at all...Christ is my security.

Makeover my focus...

Sometimes i wonder why do i record these things and feelings in this blog...

Is it because the feelings are so strong i can't contain it within me and i needed an avenue to let it out? ...it's weird that i somehow felt this was not what i wanted the blog to be...but perhaps this is also part of the journey God has planned for me in His perfect love and grace.

Yes, i admit i was looking out for him...maybe too much that i actually missed seeing him...so near yet so far...what an irony!

the more this happens...the more i need to anchor back on God...somehow i felt i'm the one not ready...my focus is not steadfast on God enough...i need to...i need to...before i think God will bring anyone in...

Should remember this...

"Man and woman should all aim to grow in God; One's spirituality cannot truly be "measured" (other than by God), and shouldn't be a factor for compatibility, in and of itself;

How God leads is more important than how man does (or how well woman follows)"

Am i dreaming an impossible dream?

This song somehow resonates the feelings i have within me...

What is in my heart?...

There are still many questions whirling in my mind after a week...

Why?

How did it happen? It wasn't like that before...at least not one year plus before

What had happened?

How is he coping now?

These questions kept coming back at me almost uncontrollably...it struck me that am i seeking trouble for myself when i dun even know this person...

Why do i know this? Why am i let in to know?...is it mere coincidence? or did the LORD delibrately me into knowing?

Why is my heart so drawn and grieved for this person i dun even know?...